I share an awful lot of my life on my blog because I want to. Since the tender age of 15 when my 'internet presence' first began, I was sharing a lot. Even now, I am completely honest and probably share too much. I like my blog to be that little bit different. I'm not scared to write, to share, to connect.
I've had comments before where people are like 'I wouldn't have the guts to post that, good on you!'; but I have to have the guts. Blogging isn't just about documenting my life online. For me, it's reaching out to a wider audience to find just one person who can understand where I am coming from. Ultimately, I end up reaching out to a lot more than just one person which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Why? Because I don't have people in life who understand me and who I have a mutual connection with. I've always found it difficult which is why I turned to blogging. It doesn't matter to me if the result of writing a blog post means I'm not physically talking to someone. I am in my head and I get replies from people all over the world. Even if I connect with a Sarah from Canada or a Benjamin from Iceland; it makes me happy to know there are people out there just like me.
I haven't been myself for a while and I thank you all for your concerns on twitter and instagram. I'm okay and I will be okay. Once upon a time, I was a strong woman who would gladly hold the door open to anyone who wanted to leave my life. However, when you are deep in love with someone, it becomes incredibly difficult to say goodbye when you don't want to give up and don't want to go through life wondering 'what if I had done this and that'.
Let's just remember one thing... this time least year, I was single but happy, in my dream job, a busy fashion photographer with far too many bookings to handle and I had a huge group of "friends". Forward one year to now and I've lost everything. Oh, and it just so happens that the things I do want in life I can't have but everyone around me does; their dream job, a boyfriend who adores them (ALL of them) and an amazing social life. It's not my fault that I lost everythng good in my life. I'm fed up of feeling like I only have myself to blame for the way I am. I wish there was one person who could just hug me and say 'I accept you for who you are and who you are yet to become; flaws and all'.
I owe you all an explanation as to what is going on and that is why I filmed a video with no direction/plan; to pour my heart out and tell you how I am feeling. I'm just hoping at least one person can understand why I'm down in the dumps at the moment. Sorry about the cut off head in some places; it's not a video I wanted to re-film so I hope it's still watchable. Blogger problems, eh?