DONE AND DUSTED AND NEVER LOOKING BACK
Wow, it's been such a roller coaster of a ride the past few months. I touched upon this lightly in my post about making changes in my life but now I'm a few weeks into making those changes and am generally becoming a lot happier with my life. Of course, I miss the adventures and the cuddles; but I have a puppy for those things.
Top & Sandals: M&M Direct* | Shorts: H&M Coachella | Sunglasses: Raybans*
Actually becoming single. Again.
In all honesty; I have felt like I have been single for ages but I never lost that loyalty and commitment. Therefore, I am finding it quite easy to deal with and haven't cried about it as I'm SO past the stage of crying and eating ice-cream in big Bridget Jones knickers. I have nothing to cry about anymore. I am finally happy and free.
Of course there are days when I wish things could have been different but I don't regret anything at all. Everything happens for a reason, remember.
Obviously, breakups suck. I wouldn't have got into a relationship if I knew this one would last a year and then that be it. I don't believe in temporary relationships or friendships. If I commit myself to you then that's it. You get all of me and I'll stay committed always.
However, this relationship was completely different. I wouldn't exactly say a year is long-term at all but there was sadly no future for "us". 6 breakups and 123456 arguments squished into a year is an awful lot of issues for any one person to deal with. Therefore, I could never see myself getting married or having children in the future with him. Those thoughts just never entered my mind because I knew one day it would end for good and I was right.
It was my choice to walk away for good and it was 100% the right thing to do. I could no longer go on feeling unhappy every day, crying with frustration every day and wondering if things would ever get better every day. I no longer felt in control of my life and felt like I was letting someone else control my feelings and happiness.
I would have liked things to end on good terms as there was never any need to be nasty about things. However, things are now bitter and twisted. I ended the relationship officially a long time ago and stuck with my decision every day for weeks. To others, it looked like I was stringing him along and being unfair but I wasn't. I stopped seeing him and barely even spoke to him; at least not in the same way. Nobody knows what went on behind closed doors other than me and him. We know the facts.
I have nothing bad to say about him this time round. However, he did make a few mistakes throughout the relationship which I have never gone into detail about and it doesn't need to be discussed. We basically just wasn't right for each other and things should have ended for good a long, long time ago. However, I guess when you love someone you never want to give up on them.
All I ever wanted was a best friend. I have never had that kind of relationship with someone since I was 17. I just wanted to go out and adventure the world with that one person. If you have read my blog since day one, you will know I like to see new things, photograph cool stuff and travel to new places. I was never able to do these things with the one person I wanted to do them all with.
I saw a quote the over day that read "true love never has an ending". I guess one day I'll find the person I am supposed to be with and it will work out perfectly. I hope there is a happy ending soon for the both of us.
So, how am I doing?
I am fine and concentrating on myself for myself. I started to spend time again with someone who meant a lot to me once upon a time. I was happy going places with him and finally laughing about life again; not once thinking about everything going on. Driving around London late at night and not having a care in the world about what time it was. However, that recently never worked out either and even though it sucked at the time; I can once see again how we just wasn't compatible with one another either. Let's just call that one a personality clash. I will never allow another man to control me or try to make me feel bad for having feelings and a heart.
As for now, I am far too busy with my life at the moment to worry about men, dating and relationships. I have started to re-build my life and am starting to really feel like my old self again. I really lost myself a few months ago and didn't know who I was anymore but I now feel like Ashleigh Dougherty is back and she will be ready to get out there and back on the dating scene one day soon.
It feels great right now not to be involved with anyone. I don't have to worry about texting anyone back to keep them interested. There's no pressure to get an outfit perfect ready for dinner at the weekend. A single life is a care-free and worry-free life. It's grand and I've missed being alone in this sense.
So, that's it. Another breakup documented and archived which I can look back on and laugh about when I'm married to Tom Hardy. If only...
As for now? Tonight will consist of a pizza for one, Netflix (and chill) alone and maybe even a few swipes to the left and right... if ya know what I mean.