SHITTY CHANGES AND DEALING WITH IT

Sometimes it can be hard to understand what the fuck change is. Is it the slight difference of routine? The introduction of weetabix in replacement of your usual bowl of cheery cheerios? A time change in your work rota? Having your first baby and being shit nervous at a teeny tiny human relying on you for everything? Or maybe the sudden deteoriation of a relationship?

The truth is... change is all of these things and so much more.

It would be a completely normal thing for me to say a lot has changed in my life, continues to change and will always continue to change. That's completely correct. However, what happens when the change isn't that great?

Jumper: Boohoo - still available here

Jeans: ASOS Ridley's

Boots: Boohoo - still available here

Bag: Carvela 

Belt: Cari's Closet *

Coat: Topshop

Earrings: Primark

Photography: Boyfriiiiiiend

We usually have 'everything happens for a reason' drummed into our heads (just walk down pretty much any aisle in Homesense and you'll see what I mean) and we are expected to welcome changes into our lives because well... change is good, isn't it? Well, I disagree. 

I am only allowed to air my own dirty laundry on the internet for thousands to read, which I have admittedly done for years. It's what you guys read my blog for. It's why new readers hit follow and older readers return for more. Simply count it as tuning into the next chapter of a mismatched life. A bitter breakup, why sex can be boring with the wrong guy and all of the other downfalls of my life. Of course, I do share the good parts too and I have so many good things to update you on soon.

Instead, for now, just imagine me having to deal with the dirty water from the dirty laundry instead. The grey-almost-black water; with suds still floating around like an unwanted smell. Ohhhh, and the water stinks too.

Every action has a consequence and I like to think I take this on board with every decision I make in life. I smile at everyone I make eye contact with on my morning commutes to and from work. I do this because not only will it make me look like an ignorant twat if I don't, but you also never know if a smile could improve someone's day.

I am incredibly polite on phone calls; even to the rudest of people who I would love to hang up on. I'll check if anyone needs anything when I head out on a food shop and I will wait for someone a flight of stairs behind me, just so I can hold the door open for them. I'm a nice person with good morals.

My world has fallen apart in ways that I wish I could sit down and spill about and for the first time; it's not related to a boyfriend. There's nothing better than good therapy through that of writing.

I've always been a writer and have always documented my thoughts and feelings. From the time I was bullied at school, to the time I was punched by a boy and had my entire school after me because I 'snitched'. Then there's the time I had my heart broken for the very first time and felt like my life was over (lol Ash) and then there was that time where I finally plucked up the courage to walk away from an abusive relationship. I wrote about all of these mental and emotional journeys through online blogs, notebooks, phone notes, diaries and even on my own bare hands.

I cannot describe the feeling of knowing someone has lied to you. Ya know what's worse? Knowing they have lied to you and you have watched them lying to you about not lying to you. Are you confused yet? I sure am.  Metaphorically, I would say it's the same feeling as having a seagull shit on your new Topshop coat or Gucci trainers. However, a seagull has never shit on me before (and hopefully never does), but at least you can wipe bird shit away after a good scrub and plenty of anti-bacterial wash. You can't wipe away lies and lies about lies. That shit does one thing. The damage sticks around forever and affects trust, love and faith.

I want you to close your eyes and imagine something. Imagine trying to hold a brick wall together to stop it from falling down. You stand there looking like you need to release a dump, because you're in pain from holding so many bloody bricks. It's impossible, isn't it? The bricks are too heavy, too bulky and there's just far too many bricks for your hands. However, that is what my life has been like over the last few months and that's what I've been silent on my blog and social media. I've been trying to hold a family together.

I don't like to take breaks with my blog because I am a workaholic. If you're waiting for me to reply to a text or email, then it's no doubt because I am busy in my bedroom, blogging away. However, dealing with so much stress in my personal life has made me want to run away and hide from everything. Seeing other people so blissfully happy in their personal lives really does make me envious at such a horrible and painful time in my own life.

I am sorry I have been away and I haven't explained anything to you. I guess this apology is aimed at whatever sweet soul or obsessed hater is reading this blog but I also apologise to my actual blog for having let you down for all of 2018 so far.

I'm not sure where life is going to go from here. I am simply taking each day as it comes and I am trying to concentrate on my own life and making it the best I can. I am enjoying my job, love spending time with the people who mean the most to me and cannot wait for the darker days to end... and especially for winter to bog off!

Once I figure things out, I will no doubt be back soon with my regular posts and spamming your bloglovin feeds. Until then, please raise a G&T or chicken nugget to me for having the energy to get up every day and face a brand new day. I think I am doing okay.