I'M SINGLE AGAIN AND THIS IS WHY

I can't help but laugh sometimes at my choice in men. So, here's another breakup post added to my collection from over the years. A week ago, I received this message that I wasn't quite prepared for.

There's a lot to take in with this message, so I thought I would digest it up a little bit. Was he really making me happy? Did I like the idea of him, rather than him? Well.

These are the things that make me happy in a relationship.

- Not being lied to. 

Oh wait. He lied to me 2 weeks into the relationship. The first time he met my family on Christmas Eve, he sat there and lied to them all about something too. Lie to me and I will try to deal with that eventually, but lie to my family and you're automatically on my hit list. Get in the bin and stay there till you rot.

- Feeling like a priority.

Oh wait. I was at the bottom of his list. Beer, wrestling, ex fuck buddy friends (more on that further down) and his YouTube channel which achieved a whopping 9 views per video, all came before me. Each to their own though.

- Feeling adored and wanted. 

Oh wait. The sex was boring and I think he made me cum twice in the whole relationship. However, it's important to remember that he reckons he was much more experienced than myself. I still laugh at that one. I think someone was telling another porky pie. Oink, oink.  He might have been four years older than me, but his penis was unsatisfying and made me look forward to my period, just so I could avoid another not-so-seamy-sex-sesh on a Tuesday. Just fuck me and leave me wanting more. I don't want to feel like I'm married to an old geezer with a dying daffodil in his Marvel pants.

- Feeling like I actually have a boyfriend.

Oh wait. I let the ABSOLUTELY NO EFFORT at Christmas slide but not even so much as a birthday card from my ever so loving boyfriend? Could happily sit there and eat a slap up meal that my dad paid for though. How embarrassing.

- Feeling excited about dates.

Oh wait. He was always too busy for dates. His YouTube channel was really important and obviously needed updating for his loyal seven subscribers; one of which was probably his mum. It goes without saying that one was obviously myself. I've well and truly hit that unsubscribe button now though. C'ya.

- Feeling a sense of security.

Oh wait. He's almost 28 years old but is still getting his mum to change his bed sheets and wash his work trousers for him. I still can't wrap my head around this. I think I was about 11 when my mum stopped changing my bed sheets. Are you ok with your mum touching cum covered bed sheets though???

I should probably add that they were wrestling bed sheets. Moving on from the subject of fucking bed sheets...

- Feeling like I can trust someone completely.

Oh wait. My old best friend was his fuck buddy. In fact, they fucked the day before our first date. I sat on his bed after our date (no funny business, thank god), not knowing I was sitting on top of a mix of female and male juices. Forgot to tell me that one before going Facebook official, didn't he!

So, darling ex boyfriend, you stand correct. I was far from happy, simply because you was one of the most boring men I have ever dated. I liked the idea of being with someone creative, but fuck was I bored out of my mind. I got more pleasure fantasising about Tom Hardy and half of the fitties on my Facebook friends list. 

For now, it's back to the shelf for me. I'm staying single until I find someone who actually has time for me, with no bullshit excuses all the time. Someone who is excited about things like reviewing restaurants and going places with me. A guy who feels they would lose the world if they lost me. Fabulous sex that doesn't get dreaded on my part after sesh two. Oh, and preferably someone who hasn't fucked my friends and has a bit more success in life than just seven YouTube subscribers. Is that really too much to ask for?